Today’s post touches on an issue concerning surviving children in a family in which one child has died, and begins with this question…

Has a similar kind of situation depicted in this story happened to you with any of your surviving children?

It’s a fair question to ask, because in the aftermath of the loss of one child parents sometimes have to struggle to remain connected in a loving way to those children still alive within their family.

It’s an aspect of the grief experience for some of us that needs to be talked about openly and with honesty. This post is an example of that openness and honesty taken from my own family, and one which I hope will illuminate the issue in a helpful way for you to come to healing terms with if it exists in your family as well.

A recently visited Walmart store is hardly the place you’d expect to be confronted with the kind of question you see in the title of this post. In my case it’s been asked by a woman who knew both of my girls, and she’s just learned from me that one of them has died, and that the other is presently lost to me through the pain of my own harsh words used against her in the cruel period of loss and bereavement following her sister’s death.

It’s a tough question to be faced with, because I’ve had to learn the hard way in the midst of my grief experience that losing a second daughter in this manner is every bit as painful to me as the sudden death of her sister has been.

But sometimes your continuing path of healing from grief and loss brings you to nexus points of personal confrontation with family issues that require you to deal with them – especially if you’ve been avoiding doing so for whatever reason has justified it in your mind.

In the instant of this kind of confrontation though, how are you supposed to handle the sudden pain this type of question brings to a heart and soul still healing from the death of one of them?

How do you get past the hurtful thoughts pouring helter-skelter into vocal chords frozen with a sudden inability to express themselves?

What happens first at moments like this is that you find yourself breathing deeply to get air back into your lungs, so it’ll give strength back to the voice which deserted you seconds ago. It sure happened to me like that at the time.

I chose to handle the situation by consciously embracing the pain brought about by the question. I did it this way because I’ve learned by this point in my healing experience that doing so will allow the light of love and memories that live in my heart for my dead daughter to restore my balance – which allowed me to then answer the question honestly.
You see, I’ve also learned by now that the honesty of the answer is crucially important to the outcome of the situation at hand (for this question and all the others I’ve faced to be able to find healing) – so I embraced that truth into my heart and mind as well as these thoughts, feelings and events unfolded within their span of seconds.

Then I answered the lady truthfully and succinctly, shared a heartfelt hug of sympathy and caring with her and smiled past the tears glittering in my eyes. Then I thanked her for asking and being willing to hear my answer.

Even though my throat still felt constricted as I walked away, I allowed myself to remember that the tears brought about by my answer were diamond drops of healing for my still wounded soul – pure and sparkling gems of love and memory for both of my daughters which had been graced in those moments to touch the life of another caring human being, and in the process remind me of my loving obligation to the daughter still alive in both heart and reality.

Then I deliberately chose to let the pain of the question go, with an attitude of gratitude for having been asked it, and took the next step of my life and healing path – which was to choose to go to work on finding my healing and peace about my estranged daughter by believing this connection too can be healed.

She still lives. That single truth alone is enough to give me hope for what is yet to come – and faith that it can happen in a good way, despite the unyielding pain within me of the circumstances with which I caused it to happen.

Sometimes you need to ask your wounded child for forgiveness, as I have already done in my situation, and then simply let it go into the hands of a Creator who is able to help both you and your child find healing from the pain of this kind of mutual grief.

If you’ve got a similar situation in your family, consciously choosing to ask forgiveness and then allowing room in your heart for faith and hope in a healing outcome is a good first step in the right direction.

I’ve become a firm believer that unconditional open hearted love can overcome any obstacle we face along the path to find healing from loss, grief and bereavement –whether from the loss of one child, or from the estrangement of one still alive and waiting for a loving reconnection within your family.

With Love and Understanding,

Ken Matthies

HeartSpun Posts from the Crucible of Experience