Avoidance (Walking the Edges)
Every single journey of loss, grief and bereavement is individual and different
for each person experiencing it. There can be no hard and fast rules, saying
that it’s the same for everyone or telling anyone going through the experience
how long or short a time period it should last till they break through to their
healing.
What can be said though is that there are ‘marker stones’ along this journey
that can help you identify your own exhausted progress through it, and give you
a sense that you’re at least moving in the right direction.
Each reality of your grief cycle represents a ‘stone’ in the context of what I’m
writing about today. You can either continue to trip over them without knowing
what they are, or you can come to understand them and know that your progress
through grief actually will lead to your healing from it.
You’ll be able to look back later and recognize this about your journey more
clearly. But allow me to explain the first of these marker stones and cycles of
grief in a little more detail now, to help you understand their significance to
the healing awaiting you along your journey.
Within this first ‘Avoidance (Walking the Edges)’ cycle you’ll recognize that
you’ve been going through (and very likely emotionally stumbling over) the
following realities of your early exposure to grief:
• Not wanting to or able to acknowledge your loss
• Feeling shock, denial, numbness and severe disorganization
• A need to know all the details of how and why the death happened
Though brutal in their impact to your life as you once knew it, these are the
marker stones of this first cycle of your grief – they help you understand that
these harsh aspects of your experience are a recognized part of the human
experience surrounding your loss.
The denial you’re experiencing is not only emotionally normal at this early
stage but is also the mind’s way of allowing you to absorb the reality of it in
increments, preventing the shock from overloading your human systems and
allowing you to take in the painful truth at your own pace.
Often mistaken by people around you as strength (when in fact it’s not – your
weakness still knows no boundaries at this point), the numbness you experience
is the insulator of emotions which allows you to deal with the suddenly
necessary details of this death - contacting others, making funeral
arrangements, and enduring the funeral itself.
The need to know all possible details of the death is also a normal part of the
mind’s way of coming to terms with its sudden reality, and necessary to you in
order to be able to categorize it within your previous experience of coping
skills already learned in life to help you deal with it.
I remember well, and have detailed in my book, what my own experience of these
early marker stones of the journey into grief from the death of my daughter was
like. It was in the writing of my story two years after it happened that the
significance of these markers became apparent to me, allowing me to understand
their value and place within my own healing journey.
You don’t need to wait as long as I did to come to an understanding of these
marker stones, or of the fact that they clearly point the way to your certain
healing from loss, grief and bereavement. In fact, the most important task you
can set for yourself during this first cycle of grief is simply coming to the
point of recognizing and acknowledging your loss to yourself. Doing so will draw
you into the next cycle of your journey – one huge step closer to healing than
where you began.
Understanding these cycles of your grief, and the marker stones along your
journey through them, is one of the most valuable tools you can reach for in
your search to find healing.
With Love and Understanding
Ken Matthies
HeartSpun Posts from the Crucible of Experience
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