The death of a child – grown or otherwise – carries a burden of grieving for a parent which exceeds all human boundaries of comprehension or understanding at the time of its happening, and involves enduring a grieving and healing path unique among the losses to be experienced by mankind.
In this Part 4 and its following fifth post to this site I share the ongoing story of grieving the death of a grown child – in poetic form – and allow you the readers to experience its journey through grief to find healing. It’s a prayer of my heart that you will be touched and encouraged by its ever growing message of hope as you read all five parts of the story these poems tell.
Her name was Leila Gray (Brennan), a 26 year old helicopter pilot at the time of her death, and she was my own beloved daughter.
This was a poem written in still dreaded anticipation of the third anniversary of her death due once again to arrive the following day – a landmark day on which I would finally allow myself to remember and experience its full effects for the first time, in order to be able to give outlet to those deep feelings of grief still trapped within me.
Anniversary Memories
I’m feeling the bite of the pain again
and the emotions that memories bring;
Of a daughter who died just three years ago
and the songs that her spirit would sing.
Anniversary times are tough at best,
When worlds will again collide;
To bring back the news of the fateful day
That she flew her last gallant ride.
A spirit so strong and so full of life
Should not have been snuffed out so young;
That’s the cry of my father’s heart
For her songs that remain unsung.
I can hardly believe the depth of the hurt
That still drives its knife to my heart;
That finds me rocking from side to side
As the memories flow to a start.
The tears and the anguish still burn a hole
Into the physical shell of my bones;
To accompany the ache that drives down deep,
And the sound of my heartfelt moans.
I cry from my heart in a broken voice
To tell her how I miss her still;
And I know that as long as I’m able to breathe
That my spirit and soul always will.
These are the memories that all parents face
Who have lost their kids to the sky;
As they try to heal and find a new life
Built around that one question… Why?
For those with faith – and for sure I’m one,
The only ease for my pain;
Is to know that she’s living a whole different life
In a dimension that exists to her gain.
Still it’s the human experience I’m left with here
On this plane of existence I live;
Where the memories and pain of her going away
Are seeping through cracks like a sieve.
And I can’t stop the tears or the rocking hurt
That comes back to haunt me today;
As I think of my girl and her sweet birdsong voice
And the pain her death brought my way.
Though I know as I weep and shuffle the cards
Of memory that pass through my mind;
I’ve been blessed to have had such a wonderful child
And a love so eternally kind.
So I’ve come to accept the answer to “Why?”
Though my humanity still pays the price;
Of the memories that roll around once a year
And her fateful throw of the dice.
I’ve come to an answer in the depths of my faith,
where I know she’s not really dead;
But that she’s living a new life in a spiritual place
between the pages of a book yet unread.
And as much as I miss her and hurt here today
I know it’s not the end of our trail;
I’ll open that book up myself one day
And read it in her heavenly vale.
So as the pain and memories flow like a tide
Through the channels of this father’s soul;
I’ll cry with the hurt but remember the gain
As I live, and wait to be whole.
© M. Kenneth Matthies
I Love You Leila
Always and Beyond Forever
Dad
August 7, 2005
With Love and Understanding
Ken Matthies
HeartSpun Posts from the Crucible of Experience
For more information about Stages of Grief / Healing your Grief visit http://www.kenmatthies.com
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