An excerpt taken from page 137 of my book entitled I Know You’re Hurting available for purchase at http://www.kenmatthies.com
“Somewhere along the line after writing her obituary I eventually get to sliding into disbelief again that this is all real. That’s probably what starts me jumping off the deep end inside again too; and world once more spirals into a rotten kind of personal madness you can’t talk about with human sounding words just yet.
It’s no wonder relationships and families fracture and get scattered into billions of useless shards when something like this happens.
Here you are, living amongst the shattered pieces of your own endless puzzle palace, vainly looking for the pieces that will throw a temporary patch on the most extreme pain of the moment; and of course none of them fit or lock together, so the patch doesn’t work and that particular wound keeps oozing away more of the fluids of your life.
You often wish all the fluids would leave in a huge gushing flood so that you could fall down and be buried under at least a six-foot layer of them. Sometimes you even contemplate taking a huge knife to the wounds to help it hurry the process.
It’s perfectly obvious to you in your relationships that everybody else out there on the fringes of your own locked jail cell is patently blind to your own pain, so why bother trying to tell them what it’s really like for you on the inside!
I’m convinced for a long time that my wife and son haven’t got a clue what they’re talking about or doing to me, even if they think they do. What the hell could they possibly know that I don’t already, especially since I’m the one leaking the fluids all over our lives?
I think this inner conviction of mine goes on and on for at least a year or more; before a particular scab falls off my eyes and lances me with a little light from a dawning realization – that they actually might have been right all along after all. That’s part of what love is supposed to be for, to be there for you in your times of unbearable trouble.”
For more ‘Stories of the Grieving Process after a Child Dies’ visit http://www.kenmatthies.com to buy the book and receive a Free Bonus series of 10 audios entitled The Stages of Grief Healing.
With Love and Understanding,
Ken Matthies
HeartSpun Posts from the Crucible of Experience
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